A few years ago I wrote a series of stories and, yes, poems that I put together in a collection I titled, “Mistaken for Angels.” Yes, I got a copyright. Vanity. Ego. Just in case. As with everything I have written, my plan for a novel or interconnected stories lost some of the connective-ness, random ideas popping in to complicate matters.
The underlying premise was that the story is more important than the telling, the style and the proper adjectives and structure less memorable than the absolute desire each of us has to tell our story.
It’s not my story; it’s fiction; and my remembering this story caused me to search through multiple thumb drives. The current portion of ancient struggles caused me to remember that I had written it; not about a particular place or time, but of many places and many times.
Tragedy begets tragedy.
I was raised to be a pacifist; yet, turning the channel, turning away, I do nothing. Nothing except, perhaps, to try to calm if not control my own confusion, my own outrage, my own anger.
OH, since the location could be anywhere, on this (new) illustration (sketch if you must), I put in some waves in the background, making, possibly, A GOOD HOUSE that much better.
A Good House
We had a good house. This, you see, was the problem. It was, also, too close to the border. Some, those who think themselves brave, who think others will follow them, they call the disputed land on which the good house sits the ‘frontier.’ I call it ‘bloodlands.’ There has always been trouble. Wars go this way, then back; like waves on a lake.
My Father, he went to war- one of the wars- he pushed forward very bravely (so we were told), but came back very broken. The next wave took him for good.
Wave. Yes. Like a wave. We all knew he was already drowned. He was waiting for the next wave to wash his body away from… This is difficult to explain. “No faith left” he would say, staring toward the horizon.
My Mother, she had faith, and, with it, that certainty… I have heard it called fatalism. Ah, fancy term, that. It’s that knowledge that the darkness comes to each of us, to all of us. Fate and faith, they are, I think, related. “To have faith,” my Mother told us, my Sister and me, after our Brothers went, or were taken, made to fight, “you must have faith.”
This means, I think, that you must believe that having the faith sometimes works. Sometimes what we have the faith in, that things will be all right, can happen. I don’t know if I do believe this. My Mother did. Truly.
The snipers had done damage to the troops from our country. That is why they, our Soldiers, took to the houses. “Like a jar of water,” one of them told my Grandfather, who was weak and old, and had survived, he said, by never flying anyone’s flag, never taking a side. The Soldier held my Grandfather’s head against the rocks of the fireplace. He tapped it with a branch meant for the fire. He, the Soldier, explained this thing to my Mother, who, because she refused to cower as her Mother was, obviously was in charge.
He threw his hands apart to describe how a sniper’s bullet reacted with a soldier’s skull. “pheuuuuuuuh!” Then he laughed and let my Grandfather go.
“Okay,” he said, “your land; you don’t care what country it’s in. Fine.”
There was blood on this Soldier’s uniform. It (blood) dries almost black on the green. He smelled of gunpowder and body odor and death. They all carried sometimes multiple guns, and each had what you might call a machete. They called them something that would be more like ‘sword,’ and attributed a certain righteousness to its use. The Soldiers burned the blood from the blades in our fire, ate our food, complained about my Sister’s crying, and waited.
Soldiers, I now know, spend much time waiting. This is where their brains tell them many stories of why they should be afraid. They tell each other that they are not afraid, should not be afraid, they are and must be men. Yet, I could see these Soldiers had fear. Fear, someone else’s, looks like anger. I could feel my own fear. Like the Soldiers, I would hide it. I made my fear look like calmness. I could see everyone’s fear. Except my mother’s. She had the faith. I wanted to have the faith. I was ashamed to have, instead, the fear.
Fear is like a prayer, I think; or, maybe like a heavy, dark blanket, wrapped like a cloak, ready to be cast off, cast off quickly, when it is bravery that is needed.
Bravery, I’m afraid, is the ability to disregard what is known to be right. Bravery is a vicious thing. I no longer wish to be brave.
For some, it is better to be dead than brave.
Sorry. I must laugh a bit. The brave and cowardly are often thrown into the same grave.
“This is a very nice house,” another of the Soldiers said. He stood close to the window, lit a cigarette. “I think,” he said, “after the war, when we are free, I will take this house.” It was then the sniper’s bullet hit his neck. Both sides at once, it seemed. He was still smiling his dirty smile when his head snapped back. He rocked only a bit, and fell, crumpled, beside me where I sat. The cigarette was still in his mouth.
The first Soldier, and the others, ran outside, then away, leaving the dead one, blood splattered on our walls, making pools on our floor. We could hear guns going off, closer, then farther away. We thought, we hoped we were safe.
Briefly, we were.
These were the, it gets confusing; you might call them counter-insurgents. At dawn the insurgents came closer. Same smell, same uniforms (I thought at the time), different caps. They laughed when they saw how poor we were at trying to drag the body out. They kicked at it, shot it several more times, took things from it, threw it onto a truck with other bodies, some not in uniforms.
You can tell when the soul is gone, when a person becomes a body. Less. Almost nothing.
I don’t know where a soul goes. Somewhere better. I have seen those whose souls are gone, their bodies still…walking, eyes too wide open, too squinted down.
We would have been all right if the war had not slowed, the fighting ‘bogged-down’ in the hills; if the troops of our country had not fought so fiercely; if we had not had such a good house.
We had new guests not of our country. They thought themselves of a better country; bigger, older. This was not actually true, the bigger part, except for this short while. How small and pitiful our country must be, they said, to be so easily conquered.
I have no patience to explain why things went wrong. My Sister cried too much. It became night. Perhaps it was the darkness, the length of the nights. One of the soldiers said his grandfather might have worked on the masonry on our house, back when our country was still grand.
“If so,” my Grandfather said, “I would have paid him well. I always paid the workers well. They ate at our table.”
The mason’s Grandson looked at our table, smiled, but not nicely. Another Soldier, suddenly angry, perhaps because of how his Grandfather was treated, because of where his Grandfather took his meals, grabbed my Grandfather and pulled him outside. My Mother knew what this meant, and begged for her Father’s life. The Soldier slapped her for begging. Because she stood at the door and screamed “Butchers, murderers,” my grandmother was also pulled into the darkness. My Sister, holding onto our mother, kept crying. My Mother did not.
This is the fatalism of which I spoke, the belief that all will be tested.
And most fail.
I also did not cry. This is the faith, faith I had because my Mother had faith. The mason’s Grandson pulled my Sister away, shoved her toward me, told me, in my own language (they are really only slightly different) to keep her quiet. He moved his face close to my Mother’s, touched her breast. He said, Whores beg. Are you, then, a whore?” This was to humiliate her further.
I have learned this from war: To kill is not enough for some. To only, to merely kill is not enough to make the anger and the fear and the hatred cease.
“If I must be,” she said.
At this he laughed. “I am also the whore,” he said.
“My Children,” my Mother said to him. It was like a question. He, and the other Soldiers, now back from outside and leaning against our walls, shrugged and laughed together. The mason’s Grandson took his pistol belt off, holding the pistol in his left hand, moving it close to my Mother’s cheek.
“God will send a miracle,” she said to me. “Turn away,” she said.
I almost cried out at this moment. My Sister did. I put my hand over her mouth and prayed that I could have a man’s strength.
Prayers. Excuse me for laughing; just a little. Prayers are not answered as we expect.
It’s rare, I have learned, that a first mortar round can hit precisely. This one did, precisely where it was intended to land, and when I asked for it. The Soldier’s Grandfather had not been a roofer. No, not at all. Ha!
Like a jar of water, burst.
I kicked at his body when it was over, when the others ran, when more mortars rained down on the houses on the frontier.
Of prayer, I should add, speaking of the partial nature of the realization of prayer; my Mother did not survive this…this…I don’t know what they call this. It’s a tide, a tide, and we are the shore. I carved our Family’s name onto the mantel, underneath, to mark a claim when I return. I took the Soldier’s machete. After I’d chopped him with it; splattered his blood with it, I burned his blood from the blade in the fire.
By the time the Peacekeepers came, the roof was already patched, by my Grandfather and me. We also buried my Mother, dragged the soldiers’ bodies away from the house. My Grandparents would not leave. This was their home. That they were not soldiers was honored. That time. My Sister became one of the many refugees. Refuge means safety, of course. I prayed she would be safe. Yes. I told myself she was safe and fed and happy. That was my hope. Perhaps it is partially true. I became, as you know, a Soldier, a brave one, they say. I am still a Soldier; I wait, but I do not fear. I no longer even hate. I know what bravery is.
Oh, I see you don’t believe there could have been two miracles, two dead Soldiers in one house. Well, perhaps I lie. The results would be the same; the dried blood as black. Prayers answered.
When I was captured that first time, taken like a fool during one of the many truces, they called me John Doe number four hundred and thirty-four. I was, I now guess, eleven years old.
CHIMACUM TIM (or CHIMACUM TIMACUM), the ferry worker and surfer who seems to believe this site is somehow important, or viral… oh, yeah, Tim is, or has been, viral himself (get well, Tim, and don’t give whatever it is to me- strict orders from TRISH not to get too close- “Oh, no; I don’t, it’s mostly text harassment.” “Good.”), has been telling me for a while that it is difficult-if-not-impossible to read my manuscript broken up into still-oversized chunks. “Why don’t you just print it up?” “Because it’s still not done.” “Why don’t you finish it, man?” “Been trying, man.”
It just might be close enough on the many-ist edit, to stop posting. NO, but this week, different thing.
BUT FIRST, Nickname of the week: “Bubble B” for guy who shows up with a blowup SUP. Credit, until proven otherwise, goes to KEITH DARROCK. “Why not Bubble Boy, Keith?” “Bubble B is better.” “You know, if he keeps showing up, it’ll go to Kevin.”
HIPSTER/KOOK of the week: RALPH, according to some, more gregarious than the ultra-gregarious ADAM WIPEOUT JAMES (which, no offense meant, I dispute), took this photo somewhere northwest of Sequim. Yes, Ralph is, inarguably, cool in his own right; not trying to start an argument in the shellfish/surf subset, just… I’ve been saying Adam is the most outgoing dude I’ve come across for a long time, and Ralph, who everyone seems to know, has enough supporters. Again, not purposefully stirring any pot here.
COOL RIG, has a few dents.
HERE’S a piece I wrote recently: But first… I hit the wrong key and got this (below). I can’t seem to delete it or do anything else with it. Keyboard errors. Shit!
The hand-drawn sign, white chalk on light gray cardboard, taped to the inside of the driver’s side back window of the gray compact SUV read, “Milk for Sale- LOCAL.” The sign on the passenger side mentioned goat milk. A decal on the back window called for supporting local milk producers; and there was, of course, a “Got Milk” sticker and the locally ubiquitous Chicken logo from the Chimacum Farm Stand.
I had not allowed myself enough time to casually finish painting the trim and fascia on three sides of the Laundromat before I would have to quit because of rain or darkness, or both; both so common, yet surprising, in the early days of November.
So, I was hustling, painting, moving the ladder, jumping up to get another six feet coated, drop down. I wasn’t taking time to really observe the vehicles parked just out of splatter range, or the people in them.
Not true. I did give several sideways glances to the guy in the passenger side of a pickup, window rolled down to allow his cigarette smoke to roll out. He was clutching an uncovered beer can. I may have looked too long when he yelled something to a woman, pulled forward by an oversized dog, as she passed between me and the truck.
He might have been saying something to me. No, he was saying something that had to have been rude; quick, guttural, two syllables smashed into one bitter contraction, to the woman. I’m a working man, working; no way another blue-collar dude would say something demeaning to me, unless we know each other. We don’t.
To drop such a phrase to the woman walking the dog, doing the laundry… maybe she forgives him.
I had to go inside the laundromat to retrieve something to prop the side door open, hopefully preventing customers from brushing against the wet paint on the frame. A ‘Wet Floor’ tripod sign worked perfectly. That is when I saw the amazingly large stacks of clothing off to one side. Obviously, the dirty clothes; there was plenty of counter space for clean clothes. Four loads would be my guess, and a young man with a reddish beard and a greenish hat squatting among them. Goat farmer was my guess; young, hip farmer, sorting whites and colored, a pile for work clothes, hopefully pre-hosed.
Among the piles was an overly padded combo baby carrier/car seat, with a baby inside; awake, looking up into the lights. A young woman, black hair and top and pants and shoes, came over and picked up the baby. Both hands. She tweaked her wrist to give some change to her man, then pushed her hand out a bit farther to point to a particular pile. “Too many,” she may have said; “Two loads.”
Outside again, the oversized dog was in the front seat of the pickup. In the middle. Watching me. The man was smoking, again, beer in the hand around the dog’s neck, also, I believed, looking at me. The woman had used the front door. I moved the ladder and allowed her room to place her two large trash bags of laundry in the bed of the truck.
She said, “Looks nice… The paint.” I would have said something if the man hadn’t grunted, smoke forcibly blown out his window. I shouldn’t have looked, even for the half second it took to move past the hood of the truck, past him and the dog. I smiled at the dog, still staring at me, and gave the woman the same smile, probably, and a ‘thank you’ nod when I looked back at her.
It was truly dark when I went back inside to thank the woman who seemed to run the place, to give her the key to the doors to the room with the water heaters. Painted, gaskets reinstalled, touch up paint put inside, locked.
Five wash machines in a row of six were running. The young man in the green hat was leaning against the ‘out of order’ one, the empty baby carrier on top of it. His woman was carrying their baby, close, both hands, looping around the wash machines and the dryers, past the people folding and sorting, past the people waiting, looking at their phones. She was singing something soft and low, something, a lullaby only her baby could hear over the spinning, whirring machine noise.
All good mothers sing to their children.
All children should sing.
AS ALWAYS, please respect copyrights for all original material on realsurfers.net. AND, AS ALWAYS, GOOD LUCK in finding the waves of your dreams. OH, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Tomorrow is the fifty-second anniversary of Trish and I getting married with, really, no idea how it would all go. She was nineteen years and ten days old. I was twenty years and two-and-a-half weeks old. Yeah, long time. Not looking for Kudos on my part in this. No one has ever asked me how I could stay so long with Trish; she’s been asked, well, a lot of times.
SO, a week or so ago, nine days, probably, marked the fifty-fifth anniversary of Trisha’s sixteenth birthday. There was a party. I was there. It didn’t go well, for me; another suitor was way slicker than I was, but I did, somewhere in the confusion of being barely seventeen, I did ask her if she wanted to go surfing with me the next morning. And she agreed.
Image borrowed from teeuni. Pretty much covers it.
AND, as part of my celebration, I went surfing on the day after Trisha’s most recent birthday, and, lucky me, again the next day. NO, Trish wasn’t on the beach watching her man, getting hit on by other dudes; I mean, really, what kind of woman is willing to do that… over time.
WE have THANKSGIVING coming up, a world in chaos, and I’m trying to decide what to do on a first day without work that HAS to be done, trying to decide where there might be waves, whether to stay home and deal with maintenance too-long deferred. Tomorrow, I’ve cleared the schedule and promised Trish she and I would be hanging out. Let me check the forecast. Oh.
SINCE it kind of relates, here’s a portion of an original poem…. or song, depending…
I’d like to have a day where I can simply vegetate, find my thoughts and store a few away; Nowhere I must go to, so there’s no way to be late, Wish I had a day where I could hide, but I don’t have that day, so let it slide.
I wish I had an ego not as fragile as a glass, shatters when somebody looks askance, I could strut and swagger, I’d exude self-confidence, On my lips, I’d still seem dignified, My ego’s not that strong, so let it slide.
I’l like to have one night that I could spend alone with you, maybe underneath a naked moon; I’d whisper “I love you” probably half a million times, hoping that our wishes coincide; And when we get that night, we’ll let it slide.
Let it slide, slide, slide, there’s no way that I can linger, work to do that must be done today; Let it slide, slide, slide, please unwrap me from your finger, you say you’ll be happy if I just stay, Perhaps for just a while, then… satisfied? Maybe, just this once we’ll let it slide, slide, slide, maybe just this once we’ll let it slide.
THANKS, AS ALWAYS, for checking our realsurfers.net BEST OF LUCK for all your sliding wishes.
“Let it Slide” is from a copyrighted collection of poems/songs, “Love Songs for Cynics,” all rights reserved by the author, Erwin A. Dence, Jr.
AND, and, and, please, in counting our blessings, may we not ignore the truly epic tragedies throughout the world.
SO, JACOB WHYTE is the son of a cousin of JIM HAMILTON, a very interesting individual (timber-frame house builder/ski patrol/world traveler/more) who lives off Center (Road) and close to SURF ROUTE 101 in Quilcene. Jacob also has an interesting story. He has returned to Forks, Washington after an extended stay in California, Ventura area, during which he worked doing ding repair, most notably (to name droppers) for Channel Islands Surfboards, living frugally (growing his own food, that kind of thing), always, he says, planning to move back home to Washington State’s WEST END.
Now, the PEASANT thing: Jim, in asking (more like hiring/bribing) me to do some artsy stuff for Jacob, pondered the name. “Oh,” I must have said, “Maybe it’s like, you know, peasants, serfs, vassals, that kind of thing; I mean, like an allusion to… that.” “That would be… yeah, maybe that’s it.”
“It isn’t,” Jacob said when I actually got in phone contact, he at a far northwest secret surf location, me in the depths of a housing tract in East Bremerton. Didn’t matter, so much, I’d already done a drawing, black and white, printed a copy and colored it, either suitable as a flyer, or, reduced in size, a too-busy business card. “Yeah, Erwin, maybe the ‘serfboard’ thing is expecting too much of… surfers.” “Okay, how about the ‘serving the West End and the Olympic Peninsula’ part?” “Yeah. Sure.”
I ran a couple of other ideas past Jacob. Mostly about t-shirts; what would be appropriate, assuming surfers on the West End are not necessarily trying to invite more surfers over. I have ideas. LATER. It’s not like I can’t keep a secret.
IN MY CONTINUED attempts to produce a decent drawing of the fictional JULIA COLE, or, actually, a portrait of any woman, I came up with this. Attempts and failures. I should throw away the versions that got me to this one, possibly more useful to depict Julia’s mother, and stick this in some file with the other failed illustrations. BUT, wait, maybe if I just… Yeah, I have some ideas. ALWAYS. And I always want to get… better.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN- MONDAY, MARCH 31, 1969- PART FOUR
The two carpenters were carefully walking between the Karmann Ghia and the edge of the bank. Lee Anne turned toward them. “Joey, this is Monty, lead carpenter on the project.” Monty was sunburned, with a receding hairline and an almost orange Fu Manchu mustache. Early thirties.
Monty stepped in front of Lee Anne’s car, put a hand on the other man’s shoulder. Black, muscular, no older than eighteen or nineteen. “And this is…”
“Not a carpenter. Yet. Helper. Nickname… Digger.” Monty had only left room for his helper to stand on the very edge of the bank.
Lee Anne looked at Digger, shook her head, looked at Monty, and back at Digger. “No. Unacceptable. You have to… insist… on a different nickname.”
“Temporary,” Digger said. “Thought I’d be something like ‘Hammer.’ Nope. Got to earn your nickname ‘round here.” Digger slapped at a pair of gloves folded over his belt. He held out his hands, palms toward me, rubbed two fingers of his left hand across the palm of his right. He slapped his hands together. “Could’a been callin’ me ‘Blisters.’”
Lee Anne extended her right hand but didn’t accept Digger’s. “Blisters,” she said. “Not good, but… better.”
Monty gave Lee Anne a sideways nod and said, “Blisters, then.”
The younger carpenter had been rather boldly checking Lee Anne Ransom out. She looked him off with a quick widening of her eyes and a very stern expression. “Real name, please, for the record.”
Blisters backed up, put his hands out and up, his arms closer to his body. If he was impressed with Lee Anne’s response, he wasn’t apologizing. “Greg,” he said. “Or Gregory.”
“Gregory, then.” She turned back to Monty. “Or Greg?”
“Greg, then,” Monty said. He pointed to the parking lot. “We heard the cop car, didn’t see it ‘til it tried to turn in. It wasn’t the brakes. It was… the gravel. New, like b-bs; no way he wasn’t gonna slide.” He turned toward me before he added, “No way.”
…
The San Luis Rey Riverbed was probably half a mile wide. I had never seen the water more than a stream, a creek, even. The ground Monty and Gregory and Lee Anne and I were standing on was gravel and round river rock, with the usual scrub, some still green but rapidly fading grasses and weeds, and a few stunted trees. Taller trees in the center of the valley were mostly dead. Ghosts. Killed in the cycles of flood and drought. More likely flood. Drowned.
Monty pointed to the stump in the river bottom, probably fifty feet from the base of the fill. “The concrete had been poured. The leftover rebar should’ve been fuckin’ gone.” Though no one asked, he added. “Contractors. Separate. Not our job.”
Lee Anne said, “Separate. Not your job.” She attached a telephoto lens to her camera, aimed it at the road on the east side of the valley, focused it, snapped a photo, and handed the camera to me. “So, after your dad’s accident; the traffic was rerouted… over there. Correct?”
The lens was out of focus for my eyes. I twisted the ring at the base of the lens as Lee Anne had. “Correct.” I turned the camera past the carpenters and toward the journalist. Distorted. Out of focus. I snapped a photo. “Accident.”
Lee Anne took the camera and advanced the film.
…
Gregory and Monty and Lee Anne and I were standing next to the concrete box. There was a galvanized pipe in, another, perpendicular, out. Gregory, now gloved, had a shovel, upright, in his left hand. “You see, all the rebar got pushed out the way by the car… except for one piece. Jammed against the… stump.” He looked at me. “You get me?” I nodded. “They cut it. The… stump. Little later. Fire department.” I nodded. “Like a bullet, it was. Through the door and right through the guy. I seen him, right after. He was alive and all, like he was trying to pull the rebar out. No fuckin’ way.”
“My father… the guy.”
“Yeah.” The shovel handle fell against Gregory as he moved his hands into a prayer position and raised them to his eyes. “Sorry, man. No disrespect.”
Monty stepped between his helper and the stump. “We were trying to get it loose. No way. I’m smacking the stump with a framing hammer, trying to get the rebar loose. Or, even, pull it through the stump. Something.”
“Then this other cop; tall guy, he showed up, slides down the bank, lights up a cigarette. He was laughing, says, ‘Shit, Gunny, your car’s still on its wheels.’”
Monty turned to me. “Wendall. He stops laughing when he comes around, sees the rebar and the… blood. Not that much. Me and… Wendall, second later; we’re at the door. Your dad says, ‘Larry; could you tell Ruth…’ That’s all I got, ‘cause just then this Japanese lady, your mom, she shows up in…” Monty pointed to the Falcon before moving his finger toward the incline from the parking lot. “She slips as she comes off of the grade.”
“I ran over, helped her up.”
“You did, Digger; yes. Greg. Me and Wendall, Greg, too; we tried to keep her back, but she pushes between us, gets in the car on the passenger side. She seemed pretty… calm. Wendall wasn’t. Your dad says, ‘it’s fine, Larry.’ Wendall grabs the shovel.” Monty grabbed the shovel from Greg, thrusting it downward, hard, several times, into the stump until it stuck.
Monty was gasping for breath. “By this time, there’s so many cars, people, up, up on the highway. More sirens. I look in the car. The siren was off, but the light… it had popped off the roof, wire and all. It was still spinning; the engine was still… running. The, uh, your dad, he looks over at me, like maybe he knows me. He don’t.” Monty was breathing in gulps. “He looks at your mom. He says, ‘I always believed I rescued you.’ She reaches over, turns off the, the key, twists around, puts her arm, the same arm… around… him. And your mom kisses him, and she’s got blood… on her.”
Monty caught his breath. Most of it. “Then he, Wendall; he pulls me away from the window, pushes me back. He has this look in his eyes; it’s like he’s shaking his head, but he’s not. It’s just his eyes saying, you know, that it was over.”
The stump, somewhere around fourteen inches in diameter, had been cleanly cut with a chain saw. The part that had been removed was only a few feet away, visible in the heavy-bladed grass in a patch of green that surrounded the concrete box.
I looked at the slide marks and the crushed plants, the track we had come down. I imagined my mother coming down the bank, slipping, having to be helped back up. I imagined her in my father’s patrol car, reaching over, turning the key. I extended my right arm, moved it up until my hand was pointing up and at the highway. I moved my arm to the left, to where my father’s car slipped, sideways, on the new gravel. My flat hand represented the car as it slid, still sideways, to the bottom of the grade, plowing into the ancient river bottom, hitting the pile of rebar, one piece jammed into the stump, penetrating the door and my father like a bullet. I looked into the sun hanging just above the parking lot. I cupped my right hand, moved it, and then the left, above my eyes.
The shadow, the darkness, lasted but a moment. Another blinding light, and the spinning red light, and a vision of my father’s face as I passed him took over. Everything else was gone.
…
I was in shadow when the vision faded. I was on my knees. Gregory was directly in front of me. Monty was gone. I looked up toward the highway. Lee Anne Ransom, still in the light, had her camera aimed at Gregory and me. She waved. Gregory waved back as the reporter got into the Karmann Ghia and pulled away.
Gregory offered his ungloved right hand. I took it with both of mine. “Blisters,” I said as I stood up. “They turn into… callouses.”
“Not soon enough.”
“Gregory. How long?”
“How long you out for? Hmmm. ‘Bout a minute, I’d guess.”
I tried to remember what I had seen, or what I had imagined. Nothing. I remembered nothing. Not at that time. “Was I… shaking. I mean…”
“No, man; it was… weird; you were… it was like you was really… still. Like… church.”
“Did I… say anything?”
Gregory shook his head. I looked at him long enough that the motion turned into a nod. “You said ‘sorry’ a couple a times. Pretty much it. Hey, you good to… drive? I live in Oceanside, but I could…”
I followed Gregory to the corner between the parking lot’s fill and the established fill along the highway. Half-way up, he asked, “Who is… is there a… Julie?” My left foot slipped on the gravel. I caught my balance and continued up to the highway.
THANKS FOR READING. “Swamis” is copyrighted material, All changes are also protected. All rights are reserved for the author, Erwin A. Dence, Jr. THANKS for respecting that.
GOOD LUCK in finding the spot, the time, the right wave. More non-Swamis stuff on Sunday.
There’s a lot I am trying to cover today. May as well start with a strained allusion to “The Wizard of Oz.”
STORY: A friend noted that “some dude in a jacked-up Toyota with lots of stickers” was checking it out at a ‘surf spot’ on the Strait. A prominently displayed decal read, “Kooks Only Not Locals.” My friend, as close to being a local at that spot, responded with, “People who complain about locals obviously have never been local anywhere.” I, someone who has been a local and an inland cowboy at various times, am responding with… well, see above.
I KIND OF wanted it to be, “Kooks Rule the lineup… in the parking lot; not as precise, perhaps, but it goes along with, “Every surfer is a badass… on the beach.”
STORY: SUPER BAD ASS SURF RIG in the lineup. I have often pondered the proportion between surf rigs, fancy boards included, and surfing ability, and how much the HIPNESS FACTOR comes into the formula.
“I really wanted to make my car into a van,” this woman said. I really wanted to get a shot of the guy coming out of a sani-can, and I did, his outfit being… well, fun for sure; but this shot might say more. I do bring a thermos and some sort of food when I head out (salad and cookies on this occasion), but I do take note of those who either, one, prepare a full breakfast before surfing, and two, those who see others in the water and automatically suit up. This couple didn’t seem to object to my saying I’m trying to take more photos, particularly of HIPSTERS. Usually those I identify as hipsters deny their hipster-ness.
AGAIN, THE HIPSTER/RIPPER FORMULA.
SPEAKING of which:
The guy on the left, KURT TICE (or Kirk, not sure) is, by any definition, not a local on the Olympic Peninsula. He is a definite ripper. THE OTHER GUY is a definite local at this particular beach. He doesn’t surf, and I have been identifying him for a few years as the TRUMP LOVING, DOPE SMOKING DUDE, mostly because he used to wear a red Trump hat. It’s legal, as is… you know, smoking. Maybe the Trump hat just kind of, you know, wore out. He’s eighty-years old, says he loves being a local. “What do you do when there’s no surf and no surfers?” “Oh, there’s always someone around.” “Okay.”
STORY: KEITH ran into KIRK/KURT and one or both of his sons, also rippers, at a surf spot. Several times, perhaps. Turns out they are from Newport, Oregon, and know some people Keith, originally from the Oregon coast, also knows. THEN they ran into ADAM “WIPEOUT” JAMES. And then, on one of the times Adam and I headed out looking for surf (and BEARS or deer or cougars or mushrooms for Adam), the ripper family ran into us at the pullout for some difficult to access spot.
AND THEN, I’m out trying to make the best of the occasional waves on an outgoing tide when the ripper dad comes running down the beach with a tiny board, waves, paddles out, and… whoa,, a set shows up. “Thank you,” I said. Then his two sons show up. They ripped. One of them asks if I’m a friend of Adam. “Adam James?” “Yeah, from the Hama Hama. I think we saw you guys a couple of months ago.” It was more like ten months, but, “Yeah.” The father and the sons were so polite on a day when, at its most crowded, few surfers were making eye contact. I get it. GHETTO MENTALITY. I already forgot the names of the two kids. Sorry. NEWPORT RIPPERS will have to do for now.
HERE’S MY TAKEAWAY: Attitudes can change the vibe in the water. It’s like watching a surf music with one kind of music, and then changing the tune. There is something very uplifting about surfers who can be polite, friendly, and enthusiastic. Yeah, yeah, yea!
Make no mistake, this trio could dominate a break. So, the STOKE/RIP FORMULA. Hmmm. I’m not a mathamatician, can’t even spell it, but I do believe there’s something there. See you in the parking lot.
Another chapter or sub-chapter from “SWAMIS” will be available on Wednesday. Thanks for reading.
There were lulls in the water on this afternoon, time when watching the horizon took priority over trying to out-position the other surfers. Images. Conversations to rerun. I surfed an hour and fourteen minutes. I took my time showering and going up the stairs. I stopped at the top and watched Portia and Judith at the Jesus Saves bus. Numerous individuals came up to them. No, they came up to Portia. Judith stood in the doorway to the bus, arms crossed, standing guard. When she looked at me, seventy yards from where she stood, I looked away.
San Dieguito High School would be letting out around three. I pulled up to 101 at two-fifty-five. I did look across and up, beyond the railroad tracks, past several rows of houses. I saw two dormers on the roof of the first Mrs. Cole’s house. One of them must have been Julia’s room. Julie’s. I imagined her looking out the window, seeing lines approaching, the light from the sun or the moon bouncing off moving liquid fields. The car behind me honked. I looked left, right, left again, and pulled out.
The Simon’s Landscaping truck, heading south, passed me just beyond the Sunset Surfboards shop. Both Baadal Singh and I looked to our left.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
CHAPTER 14- MONDAY, MARCH 31, 1969- PART THREE
There were three vehicles ahead of me at the stop sign where highway 76 connected with the road to and from Vista, just west of the Bonsall Bridge. Traffic coming down the steep hill had priority. There were two sharp turns. Many drivers, over the years, had mistimed or misjudged the slalom-like run down and around the cliff face and onto the narrow bridge.
There was a pullout to my left. Dirt. Potholed. A truck overloaded with stacks of firewood was parked, idling, driver’s door open. A roughly lettered sign on raw plywood serving as a sort of fence on the sides of the truck’s bed read, “Firewood. Oak. Dry. Split. RA-8-1074. Reasonable.” The woodcutter was out, checking the tires and suspension. He pulled on each of the three ropes that went over the logs. He looked over at me.
I was visualizing my mother in this lot, standing outside the Falcon as I approached from the bridge, coming even with, then pulling beyond the Falcon. I was just jumping out when Wendall’s Buick, red dashboard light spinning, siren wailing, came screaming down the hill. His brakes screeched when he was forced to slow down to make the curve and recurve.
My mother studied my face for a moment or two before she started screaming. Questions. I couldn’t focus. What I heard was, “What did you do?” She was throwing bags out of the Falcon and onto the ground. “Open the trunk!” She was shouting orders I couldn’t process. “Take the back road to Bonsall. Go to town. Fallbrook. Buy some pizza at the, the restaurant… over by Ammunition Road. Make sure they… see you. Keep the receipt. You, you, you… were never here.” I was frozen. “Oh my God! Is he all right?” Still frozen. “Open the trunk. Open the god-damned trunk!” I did. My mom started tossing the bags into the Volvo. “Of course, he’s all right. He’s always all right. Always fine.”
I wanted to visualize, remember, perhaps, if I had observed my mother putting the papers and the bag with the gun under the seat. I hadn’t. It had to have been when she heard the sirens on Wendall’s car, or when she saw the lights. Or both. That had to have been why she pulled over. She didn’t lose control until she saw me. Me. Out of control.
The woodcutter’s truck pulled out. As it hit the last pothole, two split pieces of oak fell off the pile. I looked both ways and continued; hard left, soft right, soft left, and onto the bridge. “Always,” I said, out loud, as I eased into the right-hand corner on the east side of the bridge. “Always fine.”
Why she hadn’t taken the Volvo back to the accident scene was only a vague question I hadn’t thought through. Chaos of the moment. The Falcon was more recognizable. She wanted to protect me. There were other explanations, possibly; she never explained, and I never asked.
…
The yellow Karmann Ghia, top down, was most of the way off the highway on the right-hand side, just beyond the almost completed strip mall. Lee Anne Ransom was standing in front of her car, a notepad and a camera on the hood. The older of two workers, carpenters, was walking away and toward the two vehicles parked in the middle of the lot, a fairly new pickup truck and a fairly thrashed, oversized American car. He looked directly at me as I passed him.
Of course. He recognized the Falcon. I didn’t look at Lee Anne as I passed her. “Fuck!” I pulled into the parking lot at the tavern just under a mile down the road, still contemplating whether to go on or go back.
…
The older carpenter and I exchanged nods when I turned into the strip mall lot. I pulled a lazy u turn, clockwise, on the now-paved surface, parking spaces painted on it. ‘Opening Soon’ signs were painted in bright tempera paint on the windows of the partially painted store fronts. I turned back onto the highway and ten yards past the Karmann Ghia before I pulled in. I didn’t back up to get closer. Both carpenters were walking toward us as I walked up to Lee Anne. Her camera was aimed at me. I put my head down, looked at the scrape marks on the asphalt and the crushed foliage from when my father’s car had been winched twenty feet across the river bottom and twenty feet up to the road.
Perpendicular to the highway, gravel and fill that formed the base for the mall had been covered with topsoil and planted with iceplant and what was supposed to appear to be randomly spaced bushes. A shiny galvanized metal pipe, probably a foot in diameter, came out of the bank, about ten feet below the parking level, and ran above ground and down, at the same angle. The pipe made a bend probably five feet off the flatter bottom of the valley. It extended at an angle five degrees or so off level, and into a square concrete box, three by three, three feet high. A stump of a long dead tree was about four feet beyond the box.
I had read about all of this. I had seen photos. It became real.
When I got close enough that Lee Anne Ransom didn’t have to raise her voice, she said, “Thought you’d be coming the other way, Joey.”
“Thought you’d be, um, working on your yellow journalism for this week’s… edition, Lee Anne. Chulo’s the story. Isn’t it? Not who killed him. Just… him.”
“I’ve got stuff on his funeral, his family. I wanted to get with you on… the guy your father didn’t hit… here, he called us, the paper. He said he didn’t trust the cops. The sun, he said, was…” Lee Anne faced west, put her hand up and in a salute position. “Like now. He just followed other vehicles… around the bus. Even when the… when your father pulled to the right, he thought he was in the clear. So?”
“So?” I can’t be sure I even said that.
“So, trying to avoid the Vista guys, Dan and Larry, and Langdon, my editor took the… let’s call him the Driver… he took the Driver downtown, found out they really didn’t care all that much about who was responsible, and, and the downtown boys turned my editor over to… he was there… fucking Langdon, anyway. He was concerned about Judith Cole, wanting to know what we, meaning me, knew about her. She and her daughter were there, after Chulo was killed. The daughter, Julia, was taking pictures, and Judith was trying to calm… Portia. Langdon was pissed that Wendall didn’t try to get her film, wondered if someone tried to sell it to us.” Lee Anne laughed. “Sell?”
“When did Langdon get to the scene? To Swamis?”
“Soon enough to cart off the mysterious guy, supposedly East Indian, guy who either tried to save Chulo… or kill him. Langdon almost denied the guy existed; said he couldn’t comment on an ongoing… same shit there… but he did ask about you. So?”
I looked toward the sun, closed my eyes, and tried to recall what I had seen. My father looked at me as we passed each other. “So, Lee Anne Ransom, you must have heard I’m kind of slow, so… I have to process.”
“Then, Joey, process.” Lee Anne raised her sunglasses, widened her eyes, bigger with the lenses on her regular glasses. “And… it’s more like… orange journalism. Sensationalist Commie shit. So, orange.” I nodded. “Maybe you didn’t know this. They kept Chulo and Portia here until Langdon got in from Orange County, closed the road for seven hours.”
“Standard. Someone… died.”
“The Highway Patrol is the… usual choice. Right? Standard procedure.”
“My father… knew those guys, their… detectives, too. Also.”
Lee Anne moved in closer to me. “Yeah. That’s the official line from Downtown. But… Langdon was on the scene, here, in fifty minutes. Mario Andretti couldn’t do that from Orange County. And he was at Swamis… my boss has a radio that gets… you know; ten minutes after the initial call.”
“Who made that? The call?”
“Someone, from the phone booth at Swamis. Okay, Fred Thompson. He called the fire department. Point is, Joey, and I’m trying to process all this shit myself, Langdon was already around. It’s all, I’m thinking, about drugs.”
I blew out a breath, took out a cigarette and lit it with my father’s lighter. “With you, Lee Anne Ransom; it’s always drugs and/or corruption.”
“Holy trinity of investigative… anything, Joey; sex and/or drugs, money and/or power, and… corruption.”
“And/or?”
Lee Anne took a breath. “And/or guilt. No, guilt fits in with…. Shit, just tell me what you know about Judith Cole, Julia Cole, the mysterious Indian dude, Portia Langworthy, Chulo Lopez, and yeah, new edition to the list of ‘who the fuck are they?’, Chulo’s old partner in crime, Junipero Hayes.”
“Jumper… Hayes. I… thank you for sharing, and waiting for me, Lee Anne, but, even if I knew… something, I can’t… comment on…”
“Ongoing investigations?” She shook her head. “I’d say ‘Fuck you, Joey,’ ‘cept you’re, what…. Seventeen? And… you might just take it literally.”
“I did say ‘thank you,’ didn’t I, Ma’am?”
“Ma’am? Damn right. Ma’am. And… don’t go givin’ me that ‘I’m slow’ shit Joey.”
THANKS for reading and for respecting the copyright… stuff. All rights reserved by the author, Erwin A. Dence, Jr.
OH, and good luck in finding and riding some waves!
I am often unsure as to whether I wrote about something, talked about it (more likely), or just thought about it. In a prolonged period of not surfing, and if one (presuming I can serve as an example) waits for waves on the Strait, this can be an extended time between swells, rumors of swells, and just swells that have no chance of threading the needle; a comparatively tight fit if you’re looking from space; and hitting a spot I’m willing to go to, the desire to surf and the frustration… builds.
In addition to predicted swells not behaving to the forecast models, there are the other factors, adverse winds, mostly, chopping up whatever swell is heading east.
Tensions mount, and even the mellow-ist surfer is ready and planning to go for as many waves as possible. So, if a swell, forecasted well ahead, that doesn’t do the drop-off as the actual day approaches, people, surfers of all ability and stoke levels, show up ready to rumble.
Resentments, to narrow this, are what I’m attempting to focus on here, specifically holding on to them. In my most recent session, not that it was all that recent, with the window closing, I had the opportunity to, possibly, run over a guy who ruined two rides, like, a year ago, and, not only didn’t apologize for not even trying to get out of the way, but actually may have not even noticed, or cared, or may have even thought he was, somehow, getting even with me. No, I didn’t yell or try to push him back, I just rode past him.
EVEN? Who knows. Happy? Not really, but it was important enough to think/talk/write about it.
This photo is, obviously not current. Yeah, I remember Thorpe. And Bellore is still playing. Here’s how it relates: I watched some YouTube last night, MIC’D UP segments. The one from two weeks ago featured Pete Carroll. At one point, he talking to running back Dallas, who had just made some mistake, possibly even a fumble, and was obviously upset. “It’s over,” the coach said, “Keep playing.”
I’m trying to remember the times I’ve been resentful of someone in the water. Having five guys show up on stand up paddleboards when I’m on a regular longboard was one. Tough to compete. I got out of the water and went somewhere else. They won. If there is winning in surfing.
Because I watch too many YouTubes, I recently saw one in which Matt Archibald was on the beach at very crowded Lower Trestles, discussing how, when he started out, the less experienced surfers got the scraps and worked their way up the pecking order. It is a competition for the best waves, and reaching a certain skill level allowed one to challenge those at the peak. Now, he said, eight-year-olds are going for bombs.
Fully realizing that I have caused others to be frustrated because I’m competitive, riding a big board, with a paddle, I… really, I’m not sure where to go with this. I’ll have to think about it.
OKAY, having thought for about two minutes, here’s an example: There were three good surfers at the peak, waiting for the sets. There were six or eight surfers on the down-wave side of the peak. Unwilling to wait, I had to watch as the surfers went for the (relative) ‘bombs’ I would have loved to have been riding. On the beach, I was sort of pleasantly surprised when others were grumbling about someone other than me. Several surfers were visibly pissed, talking about ‘backpaddling,’ and such crimes.
The truth is, if they wanted the set waves, all they had to do is paddle outside and wait. Turns were taken, mostly. Not that I defended the surfers at the peak too stridently. I was thinking about the rides I had gotten. Happily.
Still, the froth is building. If we’re in the water together, come sit by me. No, really.
“Swamis” excerpt on Wednesday, come hell or high surf. OH, and I’m working on some new t-shirt designs. Thanks for reading.
I’m so late. I will add some Halloween stuff to this later. Promise. Remember, copyrighted material. Hope last night went, well, well.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN- PART ONE- MONDAY, MARCH 31, 1969
Dr. Susan Peters and I were sitting on opposite sides of the table in treatment room. I had an unopened PeeChee folder in front of me. There were two stacks of manila folders in front of her. She was laughing. She wrote something on a legal pad inside the open top folder.
“Your father telling you to smile, or laugh rather than… punch someone or, um…” Dr. Peters pointed to another folder. “Slam someone’s head into the water fountain. Did you try his, that… technique?” I smiled. Big. Fake. The doctor returned a gritted-teeth smile. “Scary,” she said. We both laughed, her more than me.
“So, Dr. Peters if this neural feedback dude does show up with his own equipment; we… I’m assuming Dr. Dan will be here. Also. We, I’ll do the testing and all; then you three can decide if I’m, what, insane … or damaged?” She fluttered her hand and wrote something else. Two or three words. “Or, I mean…” She looked up. I smiled. Can’t I be both?”
“Of course.” She removed a legal pad from the folder, set it on a clean area on the table, and closed the folder. “Dr. Dan’ll do the, uh, testing… again. The neural feedback; it’s… therapy. As far as… you’re probably neither crazy nor damaged. Just…” She laughed for no obvious reason. “The drunk dad at the baseball game story. Love it.”
“Loving something; it’s neither clinical nor objective. You’re not that kind of… doctor.”
“No. I’m that kind of… person, Joey. Stories. Yes. Just tell me if I’m getting this right.” Dr. Peters was ready to write. “So, Freddy’s on third base, one drunk dad, from the other team’s drunk dads, is hanging on the outfield fence and giving your brother shit, another one jumps in your father’s patrol car. Unmarked, right?”
“Cop car. Instantly recognizable. My mom guilt-tripped my dad into going to the game. The game was in Vista, as is the substation. My dad showed up fifth inning.”
“Out of six.”
“Seven, I believe. Pony league.”
“Your father asked Drunk Dad to kindly get out of his car?”
“According to him. The ‘kindly’ part. I had heard yelling. Not my dad. He never… yelled.”
“You’re running over, outside the fence, your dad yanks Drunk Dad out of the car, and another drunk dad…”
“Handed the guy a baseball bat… with which Drunk Dad hit my father, breaking his arm. Left arm. Radius. Distal.”
“Okay. Technical. I love the ‘with which’ part. Your dad pulls the bat out of Drunk Dad One’s hand, jabs him in the sternum.”
“Below it.” I pointed to a spot just below my rib cage. “Xiphoid process. Straight shot.”
“Ow! Okay. Not trying to kill the drunk dad.” I shook my head. “But Joey; you’re running over, you call out, your dad looks over at you, and that’s when he got… hit.”
“It was.”
Dr. Peters slid her finger up the page. “My question is…” Dr. Peters stood up, walked to the door, opened it, leaned into the hallway. “He here, yet?” I couldn’t hear the answer. It took longer than yes or no. The Doctor pulled herself back into the room, closed the door. “Accident on the freeway. And Dr. Dan wants to wait. So, next time.”
I stood up. “Your actual question: Was my father distracted, and do I feel responsible for my father’s broken arm? He was. I do. Drunk Dad got some sort of settlement… from the County. Eventually. My father got a week off, went back to work with his arm in a cast.”
“Another chapter in the… the legend,” Dr. Peters said. I may have smiled. “Should I have said ‘myth?’”
“My father was everything anyone says he was.” She had purposefully and successfully provoked me. Shit. “Not, Dr. Susan, everything everyone says.”
Dr. Peters stepped toward the door; made a fist she probably didn’t think I saw. She opened her hand before she turned back around. “Then, Joey, next week; I would like to… revisit… the accident… Perhaps we can catch one of your… spells.”
“You think you caused, induced it, that you’re… responsible… for it?”
“No. Maybe. Sorry. Yes, but… maybe you allowed it, rather than you couldn’t control it. You try so hard to… Can you describe what it’s like? I mean, that kind of… self control, you with the impulsive… behavior.”
“Shocking.”
“No, not even surprising. Your… pauses. I put them into two categories. Short ones, you’re doing the one step forward, two back thing, considering the previous moments. Six to ten seconds. The absences, where you visualize some event, and you can still be aware of… where you are, whatever else is… those are longer.”
“The double-exposure thing? Yeah, I’m still… there… in those. Present. Aware.”
“But the one I… witnessed. It was… intense. Whatever you were seeing, was everything else… gone?”
“Gone.” I put both hands up to my face, palms in, fingers tight.
Dr. Peters sat down, pointed to a chair on the opposite side of the table. She pulled a second, empty legal pad closer. I didn’t sit down. “I talked, on the phone, to the professor at UCLA, the neural feedback… dude. I told him I thought you… you observe… everything. If you had an overload of… input. I mean, the absence thing, being gone. Maybe it’s…”
I sat down in the chair she had offered, slid the Pee-Chee folder over and in front of me. “These spells. The one you saw. They’re different than… when I had seizures. They’re like, like an 8-millimeter movie. Really, I couldn’t tell you if it was a dream or a memory.”
“Let’s call them… visions. Visions?” I nodded. “Are they in color?”
I had to laugh. “Oh, because men, supposedly, dream in black and white. So… no. But… what did the feedback dude say about your… theory?”
“Not total bullshit, actually. He said anyone, with that much… stimulation, be it from epilepsy or another neurological disorder, would be on the ground, most likely in a fetal position. Gone.”
“And I wasn’t… I mean, on the ground.”
“No, just… gone. As you said. Yourself.”
“I do… try to, to not react. Not have a spell, not end up… gone.”
Dr. Peters wrote a few more lines, slipped the notepad into a folder. I opened my Pee-Chee folder, opened the notebook, spun the enlargements Julia Cole had left on the Falcon around and toward her. “What do you believe being an actual witness to something like this would do to that person?”
“Holy fuck!” The doctor pushed away from the table. Too forceful a push, she had to grab the edge to keep from going over backwards. “Joey! Fu…uck! Where’d you get these?”
I shook my head and blew out whatever air I had in my lungs.
…
Dr. Peters followed me to where the Falcon was parked, still shaded by the overhanging eucalyptus trees. She looked back toward the building and pulled a single cigarette from the bottom left-hand pocket of her lab coat. I set my folders on the roof, lit her cigarette with my father’s lighter, took out a Marlboro, lit it.
“Our secret, Joey?”
“Client/Doctor… sure.” We both inhaled. Twice. Susan Peters inhaled deeper, held the smoke in longer, let it out more slowly. “My mother,” I said, “not sure you knew this; she works in the photo lab. Camp Pendleton. Secretary. I’ve been there… a few times. The photographers are Marines or ex-Marines. The older ones were at every landing, every battle. Most are… so… sad, so… damaged. Ruined.”
“Most, not… all?”
I leaned against the driver’s door of the Falcon. “Hard to say. People… hide it.” Dr. Peters raised the lower back of her lab coat and leaned against the bumper. “I’m hoping, since I do… I do remember images, do file them, rerun them; I do… maybe I’m just… weird, and not…”
“Next week, Joey; we’ll know more.” I shook my head and arms as if I was electrified. Dr. Peters dropped her cigarette butt, stepped on it, stepped away from the bumper. “It’s just like that. If your… friend, with the… photos, needs to talk…”
Dr. Peters pulled a business card from her coat, offered it to me. I took the card, stuck it into the Pee-Chee. “I know your number, Dr. Peters.”
“Susan. Please, Joey.” I looked at the cigarette butt until Dr. Peters picked it up, held it out toward me, and closed her hand around it.
“Susan,” I said as I unlocked the door, “In the parking lot… yes, Susan.”
“Yes?”
“Yes. Susan, I’m not gone, but I am… going.” Dr. Peters didn’t respond. “It’s a joke. You’re supposed to… smile.” Dr. Peters smiled.
…
It was just after noon. I was on 101. I had seen decently sized waves at the various low spots. I could see, over the guard rail between Pipes and Swamis, unbroken sets. Still, I glanced several times to my right and up the hill. I passed Swamis, turned right at D Street. Cars were parked on both sides. The door to David Cole’s office was open. I couldn’t really see inside. I turned right again on Vulcan.
I drove slowly past Julia Cole’s mother’s house. No Jesus Saves bus. The VW bus was in the driveway. Two houses down, I could see waves forming in the kelp beds, but I couldn’t see the actual lineup at Swamis. I could see the entrance to the lot, the gold bulbs on the white walls. I considered turning around and going past the house again. A car came toward me from the south. It may or may not have slowed down. Their neighborhood. I looked down, allowed the car to pass, pulled back out.
…
My remaining change, eighty-five cents, was arranged in three stacks on the little corner shelf in the phone booth, along with my keys and wallet and cigarettes and my father’s lighter. The handset was perched on my right shoulder. I was in my trunks and a t shirt; barefoot. I put the handset to my face. “No, I just want you to… tell Mr. Greenwald. Hello? Oh. Hi. I was trying to explain that it’s late and…” I took a step back, testing the length of the cord. One foot out of the booth, one in. “No Sir, they are not with me. No, I do not know where my surf friends would be.” I looked past the small parking lot to the larger lot. Two thirds full. Most were not surfer’s vehicles. Neither Gary’s nor Roger’s cars were among them.
“Am I going to surf? Possibly.” The Jesus Saves bus was at the far end of the lot, the door open. I didn’t see Portia. “You know, Mr. Greenwald, there’s this thing about doctor/patient confidentiality, but… Sir, I have to tell you…”
The operator interrupted. “Deposit thirty-five cents for the next three minutes, please.”
“I believe this doctor is the craziest one yet.” Click.
…
I went through the trees and the old outhouse and to the stairs. My board was leaned against the fence and my towel was draped over the top rail. There was a woman next to my board, sitting on the lower cross member of the fence, the top rail crossing her back, just below her shoulders. Her arms were outstretched, hands twisted, fingers on the top of the top rail. She waited until I got very close to her before pushing herself forward and standing up, moving between me and the surfboard. “This is Sid’s board.”
“It was.”
The woman moved close enough that I stepped back. Tall, thin, her hair quite long for a woman over thirty; very straight and very blonde. There was something solid, white, in her hair on where it went over her left ear. Solid. She noticed I had focused on it and reached for it with her left hand, a large diamond on the ring finger. “Might be paint, she said,” moving strands of hair against each other, slightly breaking up the gob.
“Paint. Yes.” The woman was wearing a dress, mid-knee length, and a sweater, connected near the neck with a short length of tiny beads. Another strand, with larger beads, was rather tight to her neck. Her sandals were on the concrete next to her. I had seen this woman before.
I closed my eyes. The grocery store. Customer. She was wearing a dress that time also, talking to Mrs. Tony between the middle and the south register. Mrs. Tony had three account cards, slightly splayed, in her left hand. Her pencil was out of her hair and in her right hand. The woman was placing bills, in three stacks, on the ledge on top of the rack. Mrs. Tony looked at me as I passed. She moved her head, quite sharply, toward the middle counter. The woman looked at me. I looked at the three cards and three stacks and kept walking.
That image faded.
“I see what they mean about you, Junior.” I opened my eyes. The woman’s eyes were blue, very light. “Judith.” She left room for my response. I didn’t. “Julie’s mother.” She didn’t move back. I didn’t move away. “You drove past my house. Yesterday… evening.” She looked up and in the direction of her house, a little to the right from straight across the highway. I didn’t follow her eyes. Her house wasn’t visible from where we were standing. “The Falcon wagon…” She looked toward the smaller lot where the Falcon was parked and partially visible through the trees. I didn’t look. I did nod. “Used to be your dads, then your mom’s. Ruth. I don’t know her, but everyone knows Joe DeFreines. Knew. She took you surfing. It’s your car now?”
I wanted to answer quickly. “Three more payments to my… No. Yes. Mine. Now.”
Julie’s mother backed away, flipped her right hand out and to her right, to the south. “Before they opened the state park.” She kept her eyes on mine. “Third stairway down. You were just learning. You and my younger girl, Julie; you both must have been around… eleven.”
I didn’t remember seeing this woman. I did remember waves so thin and clear that, walking out, pushing a surfboard, it seemed I could see through them. Transparent. I did remember the girl, laughing, standing, riding more than the soup. I remembered being surprised when a wave hit me, chest high, while I was watching this woman’s younger daughter. Julie.
“You know, Junior, I… we, we were there. That night. Chulo.”
I looked around, hoping something might keep me from having to respond. “Yes. Mrs. Cole. With… Julie. Julia. It must have been…”
“Horrible. Yes. Julie saw the fire. I saw the lights.” Mrs. Cole turned away for a moment, wiped her eyes. She turned back. “Chulo. I knew Chulo… most of his life.”
Realizing I had been squeezing coins in my left hand, I placed them into my wallet, already stuffed with little notes and receipts and twenty-three-dollars in bills. “Sorry.” I pulled my towel off the top rail, wrapped my keys and my wallet in the towel, put the bundle under my left arm. I nodded toward the water. “Surfing,” I said, looking toward the water. “Going. Mrs. Cole.”
“Ex Mrs. Cole. Or… first Mrs. Cole.” I looked back at the first Mrs. Cole. “Judith. Non-Jew Judith to David Cole’s… people. The current Mrs. Cole, Gloria… goes by Glor…” Judith swung her head around, pushed the hair away from her face with both hands. “Uppity. East Coast. Old money. Glor would prefer it if I went back to my maiden name.” Judith waited as if I was supposed to ask something. “Sweet. Judith Sweet. Fuck Glor, I’ve never been… sweet.” Judith looked to see if I was shocked. “Anyway, Junior; what do… you… know?”
“Joey.” Perhaps in response to Judith’s move, I used the fingers of my right hand to pull my hair forward, over my ears, right side, then, awkwardly, the left. “Nothing. What I know.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing.” I reached for my board with my right hand.
Judith put her left hand over mine. “Joey, your father understood how things… are. It was under control.” Judith caught me looking at the oversized diamond on an oversized ring. “Second husband.” Moving her lips side to side, the look she gave me was intended to say something like the second husband wasn’t her first choice. “Mooney. I pronounce it ‘money.’ Nice guy.” Her hand still over mine, she moved her face even closer. “Chulo; that was… so… wrong.”
“Wrong.”
“Your father and Chulo, Chulo’s family; there’s… history.”
“Yes. From the parades.”
Judith responded with an obvious scoff, moved her hand to my left forearm, looked at my clouded watch, smiled, and looked into my eyes. “And Chulo; he is another… surfer. Was.”
“And good. When I started… Chulo and Jumper… they ruled.”
Judith pulled her hand off my arm, looked away, stepped back. I followed her eyes. Portia was coming toward us along the bluff. I took the first three steps down the stairs.
“Portia wasn’t asleep, Joey.” I dropped down three more stairs. “And she spoke with your mother. Ruth.” I stopped. I turned fully around. Portia was next to Judith, nothing but sky above them. “I’m just trying to protect my friends and my… daughters.” Judith put her right arm around Portia’s shoulders. “Like your mother is trying to protect… you.”
I knew I had to look at Portia. She pushed back her shawl, put her hands on her belly, slid each hand away from the center, looked at her hands, and then at me. “Your mother calls you Atsushi.”
“Lately. Yes.” I moved back up my most recent three steps. “She, um, your real name… it’s… Patty?” Portia smiled. Perhaps because I had dared to look at her directly. Fully. She seemed more Patty than Portia.
“It was. Patty Long.” She waited a moment. “Back when I came… here, when I first… met your, um, daddy.” She twisted her lips into what was almost a kissing position. She twisted them back, sucked them in, possibly remembering some part of her real story she didn’t want to discuss on the stairs at Swamis. “Teenage runaway. Don’t know if you knew that.”
There was a delay before I answered. “No. Sorry. I mean…” I moved my hand around to try to suggest she had chosen the right place to run to, gave her an expression I hoped conveyed that I really knew nothing about her past. “You’re here… now. Portia Langworthy.”
“Your mother; she said her… real name is… was Moriko. I understand the biblical reference. Ruth. ‘Your people will be my people,’ all that. She told me she tried so hard… we all do; she wanted to… Portia inflated her cheeks and twisted her lips. “To blend in.”
Judith Cole-Mooney snickered and said, “Like, good fucking luck with that,” checking to see if I was offended. I wasn’t. I was, undoubtedly, moving my eyes between the two women at the top of the stairs. Still, I couldn’t help but overlay Julia Cole’s serious expression on her mother’s snicker. No. I wouldn’t allow it.
Judith put her right hand on Portia’s stomach. “So, Atsushi… Joey; are you going to help us sort this shit out, or what?”
I looked at Portia. “Because I am my father’s son?”
Portia gave a weak smile and mouthed something. “All will be revealed.” Possibly.
“My father said, ‘There are no real mysteries. You just have to ask the right person.’ Persons, maybe. That’s not… me.” Both women gave me quizzical looks. “When I don’t know what to say, I quote him. Sorry. Look, the detectives don’t want me involved. They’re…”
“Handling it? Dan and Larry?” Judith leapt down two stairs and stood directly over me. Her expression showed real anger, real frustration. “You don’t fucking get it, Junior. Langdon’s… not… going to stop.”
Looking into Judith’s eyes, equally as light as her daughter’s, blue rather than green, didn’t help me in maintaining any semblance of coolness. “You’re… right.” I took a step down, backwards. Losing my balance, I pulled my board closer, twisted my body, threw out my free hand, took two more steps. “He… won’t.” I was now facing down the stairway, toward the water. I didn’t turn around.
“All right,” Judith said. “Jumper’s getting better. Fuckin’ Gooks couldn’t kill him. He’ll… help.” Judith’s voice got louder. “It just got too big, too… too fast. David’s… we’re all getting out of this… shit. It’s… real estate. Glor’s got David all involved in it.” I did look around and up. “I mean, fuck, Joey, look around. People want to be part of this. California. Magic!”
Judith was almost dancing, up a stair, down, her hands moving around in the air, all rather unevenly. She stopped with her left foot on the stair tread Portia was on, her right foot on the tread below it. She kept her hands up as I went back up, stopping one tread below her She studied my eyes. I kept them open. “Magic,” I said. “We’re all looking for… the magic.”
“Yes,” Portia said, “We are.”
That Portia and Judith were studying me seemed to give me permission to study them. Portia had heavy black eyeliner and shadow around light gray eyes. There were freckles on her cheeks and forehead. The hair in front of her ears was blonde. The hair that framed her face and softened her cheekbones was one-tone black. Dyed. Artificial.
I looked several seconds too long. Portia blinked, self-consciously pulling at a section of her hair. “Disguise. Costume,” she said, moving her hands to the opposite shoulders. “Still playing dress-up.”
“it’s, hopefully, a forgivable sin… Portia.”
“Not the Portia I… imagine. Not yet.”
“God. Portia, Patty; just tell Joey here what you actually fucking saw.”
“I got there too late. I’d been… waiting.”
“No, Patty.” Judith took a step down, turned around, put her arms around Portia’s waist. “I meant… sorry, at the bridge.”
Portia looked over Judith and at me. “I saw… an accident.
“Fuck.”
I looked past Judith. Portia looked at Judith. “It’s what I saw. Cars made it past… us.” Portia looked at me. “There was room, there was… time.”
I turned and started back down the stairs. “Jumper. I heard… He’ll help you. I’m sure.”
Judith blurted out, “Julie gave you… the pictures!” It was more a plea than an argument. “She… we shouldn’t have gone down there. She shouldn’t have seen… that.”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t turn around.
Too many questions, too many images bouncing around my head. Stopping at the platform, I tried to count the surfers in the water; eleven, one coming in, two going out. I looked at the diamond reflections on just one outside wave as it approached. Too many to count, they merged into one shimmering white line. I imagined the intensity of the light spots, the blackness of the shadows. Flash cards. Seven. “Waiting for you,” the note had said.
When I looked back up the stairs, the two women were gone.
…there is a lot to be depressed about. I’m sure you don’t need a list, but we could start with, mostly because surfing is the main thrust of realsurfers, the fact that the surf is one foot ON THE COAST. Oh, it is, like, 17 seconds; due, perhaps, to the hurricane that grew at an astounding and historic rate and slammed the shit out of Acapulco. So, there’s some hope, On the coast, MEANWHILE, it’s 25 degrees and clear at my house, fifty feet above sea level, probably twenty feet under water during the Ice Age. Under ice, rather, in an ancient fjord between the Olympics and the Hood Canal. Not such a big deal except that I am headed to Bremerton to try to finish an exterior paint job.
If I were to allow myself to get depressed by this or the unknowns of approaching winter, it would be because I’m ignoring all the other tragedies and horrors going on in the world: Wars I can’t help but compare (not politicizing, just thinking) to our own western, manifest destiny, expansion. It is Sunday, and there is football, if I turn on the right channel.
Even blocking out the distant wars, it is difficult to not, occasionally, perhaps when trying to pull out of the grocery store, think about how many of us are treading water, trying to pay the rent, trying to keep the heat on, and how many people have given up and gone under.
Despite being somewhat aware of social wrongs and injustices, I freely admit to being quite hypocritical. Thoughts and prayers are no more effective coming from me, a guy who will drive two blocks to avoid eye contact with pretty much anyone holding any sort of sign than from any politician tracked down and compelled to comment on the last or next mass shooting.
I didn’t write the following piece because I was depressed. Or, perhaps, in my sleep, I allowed myself to not ignore, but to follow some twisting dream logic. I have, because I am basically chickenshit, only shared this piece with my friend, Stephen Davis. He says it’s the best thing I’ve ever written. Yeah, so, Steve and I have different opinions on a lot of things, and it isn’t like he’s read that much of my stuff, but…
Like a Hermit Crab, Like Coyotes
It was a found sleeping bag that she spread out and flattened, just out of the rain, on someone’s, a stranger’s, stoop. She wanted this timely gift to be her cocoon; goose down and polyester and cotton; she longed to be wrapped, swaddled, insulated; to wake up as someone else. Someone better.
Pushing herself in, the smell was of mildew, and urine, and other people’s body odors, other people’s sexual encounters, of that odor of the pores trying to rid the body of poisons: Alcohol, hatred, anger, desperation.
She took breaths in through her mouth. This didn’t lessen the coldness in her feet and in her face, each breath almost burning, burning the way whiskey can burn, or vodka. She pulled the top over her head and pulled at the zipper, useless, frozen two-thirds of the way up. She was breathing her own breath. Unbearable. She pulled at her hair. Dry, wispy even.
This wasn’t her. Not the person she believed she was. No. She remembered that person. She remembered why she was no longer that person. Compromises, mistakes, confidently rushing into situations she was warned against, instructed against; stubbornly defending her positions, her choices, as the right positions and choices; angrily striking out at those who questioned her right to make her own mistakes.
Now she blamed others for not trying harder, for not being more convincing.
It just couldn’t be all her fault. Not entirely. If she could have another chance. If she could just roll herself down the stairs, across the sidewalk, into the gutter, the water could wash her down. The water, the open water, wasn’t that far away.
She loved the water. Floating, challenging the waters holding her up and laughing at the clouds holding her down.
If she could, she thought, yes, now, if she could submit herself to the judges, the preachers and the teachers, the analyzers and the purveyors of the hypothetical, the gatekeepers of the straight and the narrow, the high and the mighty; if she could admit she was wrong and they were right. If she could, she would.
Yes. Now.
She heard, at some distance, in the heavy drizzle, in the out-of-focus light from homes and streetlights, in the squish and rumble of passing cars, someone say, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too,” she thought. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry,” she yelled.
There were responses. Other doorways. Other partial shelters. All of them sounded like “I’m sorry.”
The rain and another long night let up by sunrise. She was gone. The sleeping bag was still there, pushed into the shrub where she had found it. I crawled out of the back seat of my car on the curb side. I took a whiz into the gutter. I walked across the sidewalk and up the three cement steps, pulled out the bag. I pulled the zipper open as I walked back. I spread it, inside out, over the roof of my car.
I looked around. “I hope it helped,” I whispered. “I’m sorry,” I said.
THANKS for reading, The long term forecast should bring some relief. On the coast. Look for the latest excerpt from “Swamis” on Wednesday.
Photo from the internet, some real estate outfit. Good luck to them. All original work on realsurfers.net is copyright protected. All right reserved by the author, Erwin A. Dence, Jr. If you really need to contact me, check out Erwin Dence Painting Company. I’m sure there’s a phone number. Checked. Yes.
I probably should have split this into two parts. Thank you in advance for reading. You aren’t required to do it in one sitting. I apologize for annoying ads; it’s because, since I haven’t made any money on this (vanity?) project, realsurfers, I pay the minimum to Word Press. Hence, ads. I inserted a photo of, basically, the view from where Julia Cole’s mother’s house would be, to break up the chapter.
Though the manuscript (not a secret) lacks focus, mostly due to a stubborn desire to make side characters seem real, I have been trying to narrow in on the relationship between Joey and Julia. There’s more of that after the sunset photo.
SIDEBAR, with apology- The professor in a watercolor class I took at Palomar Junior College had a habit of grabbing my work before I was finished. “Done,” he would say. Of one painting I was ready to overwork and ruin, he asked if I loved the woman I was trying to render, his argument being that I should concentrate on shading and form, the pieces, or, since I lacked the skills for truly rendering an image, I could go for something impressionistic.
I don’t believe I’ve over-described Julia Cole, and since the narrator cannot know what she is thinking, we (presumptuously including you) have to rely on how she behaves. Yeah, like the way it should be. Maybe. Do I love Julia/Julie? YES, and if any character has to be real, complicated, vulnerable, tough, for me to consider her properly rendered, it is she. Or is it ‘it is her?’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN- SUNDAY, MARCH 30, 1969
I didn’t get up early enough to surf. Rather, I didn’t leave early enough. I got onto I-5 from 76, got off at the Tamarack exit. Eight surfers out at the main peak in front of the bathrooms. Too small for Swamis, too crowded at the main peak at Pipes. I passed by the turn that would lead me to the grocery store, drove through the parking lot at Cardiff Reef. There were waves, but they were cut up by the shifting sandbars, chopped up by water flowing out of the lagoon on a big tide shift. Outgoing. Still, surfers were taking off on peaks, bogging down on flat sections the shorter boards couldn’t float over. I never got out of the Falcon, but I did stop, between cars, when a larger set hit the outside peak. The five surfers in the water were caught inside. Even that wave flattened out, split into two weaker peaks, and got wobbly in the outflow from the lagoon.
Eleven minutes early, I parked the Falcon in the spot closest to the southwest corner, visible from the double door entrance. I grabbed three loose carts, pushed them together, and aimed for the entrance.
Weekends. Easter vacation. Excuses to go to the beach. A higher percentage of the customers at the San Elijo Grocery, Mrs. Tony’s to locals, seemed to be tourists, down or over from somewhere else. The state park across the tracks and the highway, extending along the bluff at Pipes to the lower, flatter area at Cardiff Reef, contributed customers. Suntan lotion and creams for sunburn, floaties and cheap shovel/pail/rake kits contributed to the independent grocery store’s bottom line.
Almost all the west, ocean-facing wall was glass. The view was of the road, the railroad tracks, the highway, the four-year old shrubbery that was just beginning to provide privacy for campers at the state park. The windows started at four feet from the floor, allowing for bags of dog food and fertilizer and compost, cheap beach chairs and portable barbecues, and extended twelve feet, four short of the sixteen-foot ceiling. The rolldown shades that only partially mitigated the afternoon glare were up.
The middle of three registers was empty. Mr. Tony was at the first register, his voice and laugh echoing off the exposed trusses and half-painted plywood ceilings, bouncing off the windows. He was just finishing up a story I had heard enough times to whisper the punchline as my boss revealed it to an obvious camper. “Can’t get that at no Piggly Wiggly!” Someone from the southeast was my guess.
Mr. Tony dropped the smile when he saw me. I dropped my arms to my sides, slightly out from my hips, palms out, to show I was wearing the appropriate clothing: Chinos, sensible shoes, long-sleeved shirt with a collar, no hippie beads. My hair, over my ears for the first time in my life, was slicked back. I would wet it in the customer’s men’s room occasionally.
I stepped toward the counter, ready to bag groceries. Mr. Tony handed the customer his change, watched me place the items in a bag, then nodded toward the back of the store.
Halfway down the center aisle, I couldn’t miss hearing Mr. Tony with his next customer. “All these hippies. Kid’s thinking he’s foolin’ me with the hair; figures I’m okay with the duck’s ass, greaser look. Pretty soon the kid’s gonna look like a pachuco. Huh, Guillermo?”
Mr. Tony and Guillermo both laughed. “Pachuco.”
The grocery store’s office was behind the wall that held assorted beach and camping gear, tents and sleeping bags, lanterns. A string of Christmas lights, always on, framed the entrance to the storage area. A set of smaller lights framed a hand painted sign hung on the area’s most prominent post. “No public bathrooms.” There was always incoming freight in with the stacks of boxes and partial boxes of non-perishables the Tony’s had gotten a special deal on. Frisbees, hula hoops, tiki torches, garden hoses. Seasonal decorations were also stored there: Plywood Santas, American flags. There was a table for painting the paper signs for bargains and produce prices, bottles of red and green and blue and yellow paint, worn brushes stuffed in dirty water in an oversized pickle bottle.
The door to the inner office was unpainted and unmarked other than a fading message in grease pencil. “Not a bathroom.” The door was almost always open because Mrs. Tony was almost always there.
Mrs. Tony was sitting on the far side of her ping pong table desk, straight back from the door. Clear view. She had yelled “Jody” before I entered the storage area. She began moving aside stacks of invoices and customer account cards, each no less than a six inches high, to maintain her view. She looked up at the clock above the door, pulled out my card from the smaller of three stacks to her right, made a note with the pencil she kept in her hair, stabbed between the rollers and bobby pins and a scarf. Mostly red on this day, with white flowers.
“Jody,” she said again, standing up, “Did you see your apron?”
“Oh. I… get my own apron?” She looked at me as if I had said something rather rude or really stupid. “I mean, thank you, Mrs. Tony.”
“Yeah. Go help Doris.” She pointed through the doorway. “Good?” I nodded. I could see my Pee-Chee notebook under a stack of other papers immediately in front of here. She shook her head, waved her pointer finger. “I haven’t gotten a chance yet, Jody.” She glanced at the clock again. I checked it on the way out. 10:03.
…
Doris, late forties, about the same age as Mr. and Mrs. Tony, was ringing a woman up at the middle register. I walked up, trying to re-tie the cloth string on my new green apron. “Mr. Tony’s at the ‘so glad to see you’ register,” she said as I moved into bagboy position.
I looked over. Tony was talking to and laughing with a man, a bit older, dressed in a gray suit, fedora to match. There were no groceries on the counter.
Doris’ hair was also in curlers and covered with a scarf, hers in several shades of light green. Her customer was wearing a dark dress, with pearls, and what I had heard referred to as a ‘Sunday-go-to-meetin’ hat.’ The woman asked, “Saving your good hair for your man, Doris?” Doris smiled and kept ringing up the groceries. Quickly, most of the prices memorized.
The woman nodded toward the man with Mr. Tony, both now at the front windows, each with a foot up on a pile of bags of dog food. She looked at the prepared pie on the counter. “We’re skipping the sermon, Doris, but we’re definitely going to the social.” She looked at me. “That’s where you hear all the good shit.” I did a sideways nod, tried to appear both impressed and mildly shocked.
“Right about that, Connie,” Doris said. She and Connie laughed. I nodded. I smiled. “Careful with Connie’s pie there… Jody.”
Connie looked at the name, hand sewn, in white, onto my green apron. “Jody? JODY. I’ve got a niece in Arizona named Jodie. JODIE.” I pinched a spot on the apron below the name. I pulled it forward. I looked down at it, looked back at customer Connie as if I might have grabbed the wrong apron.
Connie looked at Doris, looked at the total on the register, looked toward a tall, thin, metal shelving unit just to the right of the cash register, equidistant between the middle and south register, and attached with two strands of metal rope to a metal I beam post. Three wide, five high, each of the shelves contained an approximately even number of tan colored cards. The shelving unit itself was set on top of three wooden milk crates. With a metal gridwork inside to hold and separate glass containers, the crates were built to interlock when stacked, “Story’s Dairy” and “Fallbrook” was stenciled on the sides of each of the crates.
Doris stepped toward the shelf. “Pie’s got to pass for homemade… JODY,” Connie said. ”I have a nice serving dish, out in the car. Should work well enough with the hypocrites and sinners.” I looked at the pie, looked at the shelf Doris pulled the card from. Four down, middle. L-M-N. The pie wouldn’t pass. I nodded at Connie and smiled. She may have missed it. She was adding here initials to the card. “I meant the other hypocrites and sinners, of course, Doris.”
…
Mid-day rush. I was rushing between Doris’s counter and Mr. Tony’s; bagging, smiling at the customers; smiling bigger when Tony said something that might not have been deservingly amusing or clever; smiles Tony had to know were fake, smiles few customers bothered to analyze. I nodded at customer comments, most of which didn’t concern the weather, did concern the damn hippies or the damn tourists or the damn surfers. “At least you’re not one of those,” at least one of the customers told me. Smile.
For the third time on this day, Mr. Tony used someone questioning my name as an excuse to break into his version of the Jody Cadence. “Jody’s bagging groceries, bringing carts back, too…”
Mr. Tony stopped, laid his left hand out and open, and toward me, and waited. This was my cue to join in the joke, add another line. This time it was, “At the San Elijo Grocery, the surf’s always in view.”
We did the “One, two, one two” together. Mr. Tony laughed. I tried not to look embarrassed. Part of the job. So glad to see you.
At two o’clock, Mrs. Tony came to the front to relieve Doris. She made sure I saw her shove my Pee-Chee folder into the shelf under the counter. She pulled an oversized watch with half of the wristband from one of the big pockets on her apron, didn’t really look at it. She made sure I got the message. Keep working.
There was a lull around four. I was at Mr. Tony’s register. “Joe DeFreines’s kid,” he was telling this customer, a regular, probably thirty years older than Mr. Tony. “Jo-dy. Joke. Marine Corps cadence, from… Korea.”
The man shook his head. “Army.” Mr. Tony stepped back. “World War Two, Tony, the durn leathernecks stole it. It’s… fact.” The man laughed, took both of his bags from the counter before I could move them to the cart, and held them against his chest. He took two steps, purposefully bumped into me with a shoulder. Friendly bump. “Good man, Joe DeFreines.” He took two steps more steps, and said, without looking around. “Tony’s okay, too, for a fucking Gi-rine.”
“Jo-dy,” Mrs. Tony, at the middle register, said, loudly, sharply, almost like someone calling cattle. Pigs, more like it, emphasis on the second syllable. She was holding my Pee-Chee notebook out and toward me, six customer account cards on top of it. She slid it, several times, toward the credit shelf as I approached. “Lots of regulars on a Sunday,” she said, “putting it on their tabs.” I took the folder. “You might want to learn some of their names.”
“I’m… working on it, Ma’am.”
Mr. Tony stepped toward us. Mrs. Tony gave her husband a message, eyes-only. Back off. He did. I set the Pee-Chee on the counter, spread the tab cards on top of it. Mrs. Tony said, “Ask your mother,” and turned away.
I reshuffled the cards, rearranged them, alphabetically, and put them away as quickly as I could. “It’s a lot of money, Mr. Tony,” I said, tapping the edge of the folder on the slight guardrail at the edge of the counter. “Lost Arroyo Investments. Are you… familiar?”
Mr. Tony looked at the folder rather than at me. He exhaled, popping his lips, slightly. “It’s not dirty. I guarantee you that.” He turned toward his next customer, one aisle away. “You ready, Honey?” She wasn’t. Not quite. Without looking at me, he asked, “You afraid to ask your mom?” Turning toward me, he read my expression correctly.
“Almost four-twenty, Jody,” Doris said as she returned to the middle register. “Your break. Take it or lose it.”
I acted as if I hadn’t noticed that Doris had removed the scarf and curlers and had brushed out her hair. Doris looked as if she wanted a comment. I was bagging, concentrating. Produce, one bag; ice cream, white, insulated bag; several cans of soup, bottom of double bag; one loaf of bread from a local baker, on the top; quart bottle of milk, TV Guide, straight into the cart. I gestured my willingness to push the cart. The older woman at the counter shook her head. Another church goer, I guessed, another dark dress with white pearls.
“Headed that way anyway, Ma’am. Mrs. …?”
“Not Mrs. anything anymore.” I stepped behind the cart. “Jackie, just Jackie.”
“Just Jackie, did you notice Doris’s hair?” Just Jackie turned and said something to Doris I didn’t hear; something Doris, self-consciously primping, pushing up the curls on one side of her face, seemed to appreciate. Doris gave me a different look when Jackie stepped next to me and set her purse into the cart. Embarrassed but appreciative, perhaps.
The shades across the front windows were a third of the way down, the sun just at the bottom line, the light half glaring, half insufficiently muted. Jackie kept one hand on the side of the cart as she and I walked. I was one set of windows from the main doors, even with Tony’s register, when I saw Julia Cole enter.
It would be an over-romanticization if I said that, at just that moment, the sun, full force, dropped below the shade and Julia Cole was bathed in that light. Amber. That is how I saw it; pausing, stopping myself and the cart, and because I stopped, Jackie stopped.
“I can manage from here… Jody,” Just Jackie said, looking at Julia Cole, looking at me, looking at Mr. Tony at the first register, looking back at me. I blinked, looked at Jackie. She was smiling as if she knew something about sunlight and amber and magic.
Julia Cole, walking toward me, had her eyes on me. I was only slightly aware of Jackie pushing the cart toward her. Julia’s expression changed when she turned toward Jackie. Surprised, perhaps, at the woman’s expression. Still, Julia appeared to be no more than polite.
Julia Cole moved to her right, out of the glare. She stopped. She did not intend to walk any closer to me. If it was a dare, I wasn’t taking it. I was replaying the previous seconds.
Julia Cole was very close. She said something, not quite a whisper. I saw her lips move.
“Ju-lie!” It was Mr. Tony’s loudest voice. “Surf up or something?” Julia Cole turned toward the voice. “Jody can take off and go if he wants.”
“No. No, Mr. Tony, it’s not… that.”
With Mr. Tony and Julia Cole in my periphery, right and left, I saw the silhouette in the alcove at the main doors. Only a hand and arm came out of the shadow. The hand was pointed at me. It twisted and flattened. Fingers out, the hand was pulled back. A summons. Duncan Burgess at the corner of the entrance alcove, just in the light, standing next to Julia Cole’s big gray bag.
Julia Cole asked me a question. Before I could process, she repeated it. “Can you come outside? I mean, please.”
I looked at my watch. 4:23. Break time. Ten minutes. I didn’t look around. I did hear Mr. Tony’s voice, mid-range volume-wise. “And how’s Christina and her little one?”
“Margarita. She’s… fine, Mr. Tony. Christine’s…” Julia’s laugh was surprisingly sharp. “Well, you know Christine.”
“Most popular bag girl we ever had.” Julia must have waited for the punchline. “And the worst.” Mr. Tony’s and Julia Cole’s laughs were several octaves apart; but perfectly synced, timing wise.
Julia gave me a look I read as meaning I was to go see Duncan without her.
Reaching under my apron and into my shirt pocket for the pack of Marlboros and the Zippo lighter, I headed for the alcove. I struck the wheel on the lighter at the point where the windows stopped. It flared up. Duncan noticed. I lit up as if this was normal. Duncan picked up Julia Cole’s bag, backed through the right-hand glass door and held it in the open position, allowing me just enough room to pass. I exhaled at precisely that moment.
Dick move.
Duncan Burgess took a roll of photo paper out of the top of Julia Cole’s bag. He removed the rubber band, put it around his left wrist, unrolled and handed the stack to me. He watched me as I went through the first three pages.
“Contact prints,” he said. “Julie gets them… Palomar. College credits.” I nodded. Duncan looked at the cigarette in my right hand. He stuck out two fingers on his right hand. I allowed him to take the cigarette. I took the stack of photos. “Teacher likes her. Probably a pervert. Photographers. They all are. But… free developing.” Duncan took a drag, blew the smoke just to my left. “Julie takes… a lot of photos.”
Unlike the first three pages, 35-millimeter black and white images from sections of exposed negatives, the fourth, fifth, and sixth pages were almost full-page images of Chulo, in his rough and dirty evangelizing robe, and another man, taller, in a robe, barefoot, his left arm in a sling, leaning to his right on a single crutch. Jumper. The mid-section of the Jesus Saves Bus was behind Chulo and Jumper. The image of Jesus was between them.
I looked at the second three pages, shuffled the first three in behind them, and studied each of the larger images. “Chulo is smoking,” Duncan said, moving to my right side. I looked at my cigarette between the fingers of Duncan’s left hand. He took another drag. “Next photo…”
In the next photo, Jumper’s crutch was falling away as his right hand was knocking the cigarette out of Chulo’s mouth. “Julie said they’d been arguing. Like, quietly. Check out the third enlargement. See? She zoomed in. Jumper is pulling something from a pocket of his robe, handing it to Chulo.” Duncan put his index finger on the photo. “There. See?”
Duncan took my cigarette out of his mouth and offered to put it in mine. I declined, possibly backing away too quickly. Duncan blew smoke between me and the photo. Dick move. Payback.
“You can’t see it.” It was Julia Cole. She had come out the entrance door and was looking over Duncan’s shoulder and directly at me. I looked away from the photo and looked directly at her. “They weren’t arguing,” she said. “Not exactly. Chulo was… he was crying.” I blinked. Julia Cole blinked.
Chulo, in the last photo, was smiling. And crying. Jumper was smiling. I let go of the papers with my right hand, allowing them to roll up against my thumb.
“Actually, Julia Cole, I think they both were… crying.”
Julia Cole smiled. I lost focus on Duncan Burgess, directly in front of me, and everything else. “I do think so,” she said. “You’re… right.”
I would like to believe, and still do believe, that Julia and I froze for the same number of seconds. Her eyes were alive, studying mine, and mine, hers.
“Hey, Junior…” Duncan came back into focus. “You gonna help or not?”
“Not.”
I stepped back, handed the roll of photos to Julia. Duncan stuffed the cigarette butt in among many others in the waist-high concrete pipe ashtray at the side of the entrance door. I tapped my watch. “There’s nothing I can do, and… and my break’s over.”
Julia and Duncan exchanged looks. If Duncan looked angry or frustrated, Julia looked disappointed. She held the roll of photos upright, spun it in little circles, looking past it. At me. Disappointed, angry, resolved; then neutral, then a ‘Fuck you, then,’ Julia Cold look.
Duncan moved between Julia and me. He removed the rubber band from his wrist and double wrapped it around the roll of photos, giving Julia Cole a ‘told you so’ look. He turned toward me; moving his face closer, too close, to mine. I didn’t step back. I was trained not to. Duncan made a growling sound as he pushed past me and though the exit door.
Mr. Tony met Duncan ten steps in. Tony gave him the same side hug he had undoubtedly given Julia. “How’s your dad, Yo Yo?”
“No one calls me that, anymore, Mr. Tony, but… he’s, um, better.”
“You’re excited for prom and graduation and all that, I expect.”
“Can’t wait.” Disingenuous.
Mr. Tony slapped Duncan on the back. “Oh, come on, Duncan!”
Julia Cole stepped closer to me to allow a couple, tourists, possibly newlyweds, with matching sunburns, to keep holding hands as they entered the store. She looked past them and at Mr. Tony and Duncan and the couple. The door closed.
“So, Miss Cole, you’re… angry?”
“I had no… expectations. It was Duncan.”
“Oh? But… why does… Duncan… care so much?”
“He has his reasons.”
“You don’t ask.”
Julia Cole turned toward me. Her expression said, “I don’t need to” before she did.
I wanted to keep Julia Cole talking. I wanted her that close to me, close enough that the only thing in my field of vision was her. I was more aware than usual of my pauses, the lapses, the seconds I spent replaying previous seconds, trying to remember, trying to catalog exactly what she said, and how she looked, exactly, when she said it.
“I had one,” I said. “Yo-yo. Duncan.” Pause. “Sparkly.”
“We all did. Phase.” Short pause. “Sparkly? Yours?”
“Mine? Yeah. Sparkly.” Pause. “Walk… walk the dog.”
“Basic.” Pause. “Good trick. Easy.”
“Yes. The, um, trick… the one I liked… most, was…” I moved my hand up and down a few times, palm down, then flipped it over, pantomimed throwing the yo-yo over my fingers, then flipping my hand back over. “It’s like… switching stance.”
Julia Cole was staring. I was a fool. Ridiculous. She smiled. Politely. “It… is.” She held the smile longer than I could comfortably handle. She was studying me. I looked away, politely, allowing her time to drop the smile and continue the studying. “What do… you think?”
I pointed at the roll of photos. “Chulo smokes. I believe Jumper… maybe he doesn’t. Or… he quit.” I pulled out my father’s lighter. “Zippo. That’s… a guess.”
“Zippo?”
“Marine Corps logo. Maybe, if you enlarge it, the image, more…”
“I will.” Julia looked appreciative in the moment before she looked past me and into the store. I took the opportunity to look at her. When she seemed to sense this, I looked where she was looking.
Duncan and Mr. Tony had moved just beyond the first counter. Duncan pulled folded bills from an inside pocket of his windbreaker. “On account,” he said. Mr. Tony took the cash, pulled out several account cards from the rack, top left box, A-B. He shuffled through them, set one aside, took his pen out of his shirt pocket, wrote something on the card and showed the card to Duncan. He looked past Duncan at Julia Cole and me. I looked away. None of my business. She looked away and toward my car at the far end of the lot, then back at me.
That may have been that lapse, the pause that caused Julia Cole to speak. “I have… other photos. Negatives. I could… How late do you work?”
I refocused on Julia. “Today?”
She didn’t wait through the guaranteed pause. “We saw all the red lights, Swamis, from my, my mom’s house. Cops. Fire engines. We went down. It was… you don’t get it, do you, Junior? That… night. After…”
I didn’t get it. Julia Cole looked frustrated, even irritated.
“We saw it. Saw… it. It. Chulo. Portia. Gingerbread Fred was still there. Everything. It was… I just thought… maybe… you… might…”
I wasn’t keeping up. There was something in my mental image file, the view from Swamis and up the hill. It was a photo in an old Surfer magazine. In color. Maybe it was a cover photo. “From my mom’s house” she had said. It would have to be…
“What is… wrong with you?”
Julia Cole moved a hand over her mouth the second after she asked that question. All I could see was the back of her hand and her eyes. All I could hear were the words. “What is… wrong with you? What… is… wrong… with you?”
Three seconds, ten, I have no idea how long I was staring at Julia Cole. She was backing away and into the parking lot. I backed into the edge of the exit door. I took my eyes off Julia Cole, spun around, and pulled it open. Duncan and Mr. Tony both looked in my direction. In twenty-one steps I was even with the counter, with them. I stopped, pivoted, ninety degrees right. “Duncan Burgess, do you know Jesus?”
I pivoted back. I walked to Doris’s counter, everything slightly out of focus, unaware she was speaking. I grabbed a bundle of San Elijo Grocery paper bags, ripped off the paper ribbon that held them together, stuffed as many as I could into a shelf at Doris’s knee.
Doris put a hand, flat, on my chest. “So, Joey, I figured, I don’t have a man at home… currently; why not let my hair… down?”
I looked at Doris, tried to smile. I looked to my right. Duncan was gone. Mrs. Tony was at her husband’s register. Mr. Tony slid the account card and Duncan’s cash toward her. “Two-fifty-five on Burgess.” Mrs. Tony opened the register, took the bills from her husband, and began counting them. Mr. Tony looked at me. Mrs. Tony looked at him. Both looked at me before I could turn back toward Doris. What was wrong with me?
Doris looked at Mr. and Mrs. Tony. Her expression was hopeful. That’s what Julia’s expression was. Had been. Hopeful. Optimistic. Temporarily.
“What is wrong with me,” I whispered.
“Doris; you look… gorgeous.” Mr. Tony’s body language, the raising of his shoulders, suggested he was suddenly aware the compliment had been in his loud voice. He didn’t turn toward his wife for her reaction. He walked toward the front windows.
Mrs. Tony, walking toward Doris and me with the draw from the other register stuffed in one of the pockets of her faded green apron, stopped and looked at her cashier. She looked over at her husband, a shadow in the glare, as he used the pulley to lower the first of the window shades all the way down. Mrs. Tony touched her own hair, let out an only slightly exaggerated sigh, and pointed at me. “Julie. Beautiful girl, huh Jody.” I couldn’t respond. “The money; ask your mother. Huh?”
It was nearly sunset when I walked across the parking lot. 6:32. Daylight savings time had kicked in and the sun would set, officially, at 7:13. The tourists and inlanders and visitors and customers were all headed elsewhere. The wind was, if anything, slightly offshore. There was time to catch a few waves if I made a quick decision and went somewhere close.
Something was stuck, face up under the driver’s side window wiper. It was a flyer for an Australian surf movie. “Evolution.” There was one on the bulletin board on the wall between the entrance alcove and the window wall. Or there had been one. Friday, April 4, Hoover High School, seven pm. Saturday, April 5, San Dieguito High.
There was something under the flyer. More pages. Seven. Photo paper. Stiff. Slight curl. Slightly damp. I looked at the images as if they were flash cards, moving each to the back of the deck, going through them again and again. The photos were so dark that the artificial light of camera flash and flashlights and headlights burned out any details: Firefighters and cops, Dickson and Wendall; a woman in a robe holding back Portia. One photo showed the unmistakable anguish on Portia’s face. Another was of someone’s body, burned, against the wall. In another, the body was being covered with something more like a tarp than a sheet. In the last photo, Gingerbread Fred was on his knees, looking up. Up.
“Tear in the shroud, “I said.
I couldn’t look at any of these images for more than the time it took to move to the next photo. I couldn’t allow any of these images into my memory, a file too easily pulled. Too late. It was imprinted, permanently. I could describe each of the photos now in more detail than the actual photographs showed.
That was what Julia Cole had seen, witnessed, photographed. I tried to look again at each of the enlargements. It didn’t work. All I wanted to see, or imagine, were Julia’s expressions when she was trying to tell me about that night; how sincere, raw, honest she looked; how beautiful. All I wanted to do was collapse.
I didn’t. I went through my ring of keys, separated the one for the Falcon, I rolled up the pages. There was a note on the back of the flyer: “Portia said you are your father’s son, and you might help. I have more…” Out of room, the words went sideways. “…waiting… for you.”
I looked around the lot. Julia Cole wasn’t there. Of course, she wasn’t.
…
Vulcan Avenue runs parallel to Highway 101 and the railroad tracks, and in front of the San Elijo Grocery. There were several cross streets. I took one, went up two blocks, turned left. I looked at the houses, looked toward the water. I went up another block, headed south again. I stopped at the middle of three empty lots, the place where the best view would be. Optimal view. Surfer magazine view. Swamis Point.
Two houses farther south, on the uphill side of the street, a VW mini-bus, grey-green, white top, was parked in front of a house. “Julia’s mom’s house,” I said. Partially hidden by the VW and some shrubs, the back of the Jesus Saves bus was parked in the driveway. “Portia said you are your father’s son, and you might help.” I repeated the phrase. “Waiting… for you.” Me.
A light went on inside the house, behind the sheer curtains. I drove on. I pulled a u turn at the end of the block, coasted by again before I dropped back down to Vulcan and turned right. When I got to D street, I turned left. The Surfboards Hawaii shop was on my right. There were no cars on the block, either side. Several storefront businesses were on my left. David Cole C.P.A. was one of them. No lights. I got to 101 and turned right.
At Tamarack, parked on the bluff, lights to the south to lit the underside of the clouds. There were black lines on a dark ocean in front, breaking from a peak, gray soup to a gray beach. The rights looked better than the lefts. Still, I was replaying phrases. “You are your father’s son.” Portia. “What’s wrong with you?” Julia. “Waiting for you.” I reread the note that had been on the windshield by the light of my father’s flashlight. I straightened the photos, without looking at them, and placed them in a yellow notebook and slid that into a PeeChee.
I stayed on 101 until it curved away from the beach. Carlsbad Liquor was on my right, still open. Baadal Singh’s truck was parked nearby. “Gauloises bleus,” I said, out loud. “Picasso smokes these.” I considered stopping in, possibly buying a pack. I didn’t.
“Swamis” and all revisions are copyright protected, all rights reserved by the author, Erwin A. Dence, Jr, Thanks for respecting this, and for reading,
Real Surfers 