A moment of panic, brief but intense,                                                                                                                      A sideways wave in the mouth that shouldn’t have been open,                                                                            Swim, breathe out, stroke, breathe;

This isn’t the first time, the surprise,                                                                                                              Water, somehow in the throat and the nose;                                                                                           Coughing, choking, treading water, realizing your feet no longer touch,                                                     The deep end;

“Oh,” you say, “I only play in the shallows,”                                                                                                Running up and away,                                                                                                                                               Back down the slope, challenging, full gallop, full dive,                                                                                Under the roll, rolling;

I’ve said I would never surrender,                                                                                                                          Never sink into that cold, dark deep; bottomless;                                                                                                   I can float when I can no longer swim;                                                                                                                  But I do know that panic, the fear; we all do;

“Swim,” we all scream, in unison;                                                                                                                        Each of us believing, hoping we’re still safely ashore,                                                                                     Each wave washing out moats around our feet,                                                                                          Looking for that wave that will wash you closer, close enough;

Helpless, hands extended out or up,                                                                                                                      Out to the horizon, up to the heavens,                                                                                                       “Rescue… please;”

The knowing, eventually,                                                                                                                                       Washes over the believing and the hoping;                                                                                                       Panic and fear and hope and struggle;

Looking away from those lining the shore,                                                                                                        That line, loved ones, a chorus, an almost-heard song                                                                                     Just above the farthest-reaching wave;

The clouds, different waves in a different sea;                                                                  Floating;                                                                                                                                                                       It’s not surrender; we were always drowning.

For my youngest sister, Melissa, who floated away sometime during the night.